trying to be human
Right before I hit the “+” button to begin writing a post, I saw a note that said “it’s okay to sound like a human” when writing… I sat with that for a moment and felt motivated. In all the writings I publish for people outside my small circle to read, I try so hard to sound well put together. so intelligent that people would assume that I read dictionaries in my free time. But I realized I am none of those things. I am not put together.
My clothes are in piles, collecting the dust that I just cleaned off them. My bed is unmade in the sunlight, with pencils and pens underneath it. I’m not dumb, but I’m not the smartest person in the room. I Google synonyms for simple words because my vocabulary is a little redundant, even though I know a lot of words I’ll never use because I saw them in the fantasy book I read when I was 13, not a dictionary. I do own a dictionary, but it has been in the same spot on my desk for months. I only touch it when I clean my desk. It hasn’t been cleaned for almost a year. I throw shopping bags, books, socks, and hair ties on the first surface I see when I walk into my room. My room is a true reflection of my mind — chaotic. My thoughts aren’t sorted into neat file cabinets, similar to the papers on the floor by my desk. My mind is constantly racing with thoughts that are trying to find their place. Where do they go? Where do I go?
I’m trying to allow myself to be emotional and vulnerable. I mean .. not to trauma dump or whatever I know we just met, sorry, but I grew up hearing “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” .. I was like 6 so that was weird but anyways. Because of that, I always try to appear put together and stable even though my throat gets tight when someone asks me what’s wrong .. yikes! I downloaded substack because a friend (hi) suggested it since I’m always ranting on my Instagram stories and love a good think piece! I want my work to sound poetic for some odd reason but unfortunately, speak like a teenager from one of those early 2000’s high school shows so that’s not happening. anyways, thank you for reading stranger. I hope you have a good rest of your day or night. whatever side of the earth you’re on.